As the year draws to a close, it is the time of awards. While the Time Person of the Year garners a great deal of attention, other awards bestowed by the Magazine may go unnoticed. To rectify that shortcoming, here are some of awards you may have missed.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ADULT AS A 13 YEAR OLD
The nominees are:
Tom Hanks in Big
Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30
Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday
Adam Sandler for practically everything
Little Donnee Waney for the past 60 years.
And the winner is
LITTLE DONNEE WANEY for the past 60 years.
The other nominees have filed a protest with the judges. While they were acting as thirteen year olds, the would-be winner actually is a thirteen year old. They have subpoenaed medical records of his brain scans which show that portions of his brain have never developed beyond that of a thirteen year old. Little Donnee Waney has refused to comply with the subpoena for his brain scans. The case is expected to go to the Supreme Court.
BEST FLYING MONKEY
The Flying Monkeys are people who have sworn to take a bullet in defending the Wicked Witch of the White House from attacks. The assaults from Dorothy, Nancy, and Mueller are to be resisted at all costs.
The nominees for the coveted Flying Monkey of the Year award are:
Nunes the Crooked Clown
Ridiculous Rudy, attack mutt
Clueless Jim Jordan, he never knows what is going on
Mattculate Conception Gaetz, house frat boy
Thank God He Was Passed Over Collins.
And the winner for locating the 400 pound Ukrainian who violated the American elections is
Ridiculous Rudy, attack mutt. He is the hero now just as he once was.
KING GEORGE III LOYALTY AWARD
The King George III Loyalty award goes to the person or people who place loyalty to the person above all else. The nominees for this coveted award are:
Trumpican members of the House of Representatives
Trumpican members of the Senate
And the winner of the King George III Loyalty award is
IT’S A TIE. ALL THE TRUMPICANS ARE WINNERS OF THE LOYALTY TO KING GEORGE III AWARD. Bring back the good old days!
THE TRAITOR OF THE YEAR AWARD
The Traitor of the Year Award goes to the person or people who have been the most disloyal.
The nominees for the Traitor of the Year are:
The professional career staff of the State Department
And the winner of the biggest traitor of the year award goes to George Washington. While the other candidates were all worthy of being traitors, Washington was the one in the group who really put his life on the line in defiance of the king. He showed the least loyalty. Therefore he wins the award.
THE VERY STUPID MORON OF THE YEAR AWARD
This award goes to the adult who demonstrates that he is the smartest person in the room as long as it is a morgue or a nursery school class with no adults present.
The nominees for the Very Stupid Moron of the year award are:
Little Donnee Waney for building a wall in Colorado
Little Donnee Waney for not finding North Korea on a map because he thought it was part of the ocean
Little Donnee Waney for attempting to close the border with Mexico the very next day
Little Donnee Waney for asserting that securing the Washington, D.C. airports was crucial to the disloyal traitors winning the American Revolution
Little Donnee Waney for thinking that Seoul, a metropolitan city of 25 million, was a small village
Little Donnee Waney for thinking that 306 Electoral College votes was a landslide
Little Donnee Waney for thinking that if he said to relocate Seoul that the South Koreans would do it or the Americans would do it for them.
And the winner of the Very Stupid Moron of the Year award is LITTLE DONNEE WANEY, if he were any dumber he would have to be institutionalized for his own safety.
BULLY OF THE YEAR AWARD
This award to the person who best exemplifies the characteristics the American people find repugnant unless it is being done their Lord and Savior, the Chosen One, Blessed be his name.
The nominees for the Bully of the Year are:
Little Donnee Waney for bullying the winner of the Time Person of the Year award since he should have won it
Little Donnee Waney for bullying a teenager
Little Donney Waney for bullying a girl half his size
Little Donney Waney for bullying person with Asperger’s Syndrome.
And the winner of the Bully of the Year award is
LITTLE DONNEE WANEY.
There is no award for most submissive to alpha males otherwise Little Donee Waney would have won that too.
MESSIAH OF THE YEAR AWARD
Who will be the anointed one? Who will be the lord and savior of the human race? Who will be the chosen one? Every year there is a lottery to choose the messiah of the year. The winner then chooses who in the community will be stoned to death. That is why the award is so coveted. The Lord and Savior, the Chosen One, Blessed be his Name, gets to select the person or people who will bear the brunt of the vitriol to be unleashed by him. That person or people will be attacked relentlessly without mercy for the coming year in every professional political wrestling arena throughout the land, on every show on Fox, and on as many social media sites as he can buy.
The winner of the Messiah of the year award naturally is Little Donnee Waney.
The person selected in his lottery is Joe Biden.
The most dangerous game for America’s future has begun.