White House press spokesperson Sean Spicer today announced that President Trump’s Dow Jones drop was bigger than Barack Obama’s. In fact the biggest individual financial loser in American history now may be the biggest stock market loser in American history as well.

White House fabulist Kellyanne Conway said you do not even need alternative facts to realize how great a loser the current President is.

President Trump twitted that he has authorized Attorney General Bill Barr to investigate the Deep State and its Wall Street allies for the ongoing drop in the stock market. The disloyal traitors responsible for the decline will be identified and held accountable.

President Trump twitted that the coronavirus was a Fake News hoax that was being weaponized by the Democrats to do what the Russian and the Ukrainian hoaxes had failed to do: undo the election of 2016.

President Trump twitted that Kris Kobach was being brought back to the White House. He will be investigating the FAKE NEWS reports of deaths allegedly due to the coronavirus beyond the 15 people first identified by the President. The same people who were responsible for millions of fraudulent votes in the 2016 election are back to their old dirty tricks falsifying medical records to provide a dishonest picture of what is really happening. And if there is any President who knows about the falsification of medical records it is Bonespur Boy. The dishonest traitors who are harming our country will pay the price for their actions.

Mike Pence announced that all efforts to develop a vaccine have been stopped. Our Lord and Savior, the Chosen One, Blessed Be his Name, has declared that with the warming in April the coronavirus will die a natural death. And thanks to global warming that warming will evcen occur earlier. Therefore there is no need to develop a vaccine. And it was going to be ready for distribution in a few days anyway. Furthermore the coronavirus is just like the flu and the flu never killed anyone. Pence also announced that his head is not on the chopping block. There is no truth to the rumor that he will be replaced by Nikki Haley especially if the Democrats nominate a woman for Vice President.

President Trump twitted that just as he said there were 15 people who had the coronavirus, they were getting well, and the number of infected was dropping to zero (and not because they all died either).

The Secretary of Health and Human Services has contacted former members of the military and intelligence services for advice on how to prepare simple briefing cartoons and pictures for Little Donee Waney since he lacks the attention skills to read an adult briefing book. Elementary school reading and science teachers have been retained to develop the necessary “Dick and Jane” briefing books.

President Trump twitted that he could have been a Nobel-award-winning scientist if he had followed in the footsteps of his super genius uncle. Remember how he solved the problem of the California fires through his analysis leading to the admonition to “Make America Rake Again.” Remember how he solved the problems of Puerto Rico after the hurricane by throwing rolls of paper towels to people. Wasn’t that fun! Remember how he asked Michael Bloomberg for advice after the 2016 election. Remember how Bloomberg suggested he hire people smarter than him. Remember how he replied to Bloomberg that he was the smartest person he knew. Aren’t we lucky that in our moment of need that we have a very stable genius in charge?

Think of all the actions the world’s worst manger took to prepare for this crisis.

He ensured that all critical departments were led by acting department heads often with no professional expertise except for lobbying to help rich people get richer.

He ensured that the funding for critical departments like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the global health security unit of the National Security Council were slashed or eliminated since why waste money where it wasn’t needed. Why fund the World Health Organization or the Pan American Health Organization for their work in trump-hole countries?

He ensured that all allies had been alienated and that no would expect American leadership in a FAKE NEWS crisis like climate change or the coronavirus.

What a superb job he did and the voters in 2020 will be sure to praise him for his foresight and managerial expertise.

Who can forget his calm words of patience to soothe the troubled mind?

“The market’s in great shape.”

On a positive note, the President did order a box of Sharpies so he could doctor the medical charts to provide the American people with accurate information about the path of the coronavirus which he predicted would hit Alabama.

It isn’t as if we haven’t heard this story before. In The Andromeda Strain, it only took four days for a small team of scientists to solve the mystery of this deadly contagion from space. We should be so lucky. The ending rings true today:

At the Senate Hearing, one of the hero doctor postulates that another biological crisis can occur. The senator tartly asks, “What do we do about that?” The doctor grimly redirects the question with, “Precisely, Senator. What do we do?”

In Outbreak, the Centers for Disease Control contributed to the curing of a deadly virus that had crossed over from a monkey to humans similar to ebola.

In Contagion, the Centers for Disease Control helped save the world after millions had died and anarchy had prevailed due to deadly pathogen. The cause of the outbreak of the contagion:

A final flashback occurs. We finally see what caused the global epidemic. A construction crew from Beth’s company AIMM was cutting down trees in a forest in China. That caused some bats to fly out. One bat was infected with the virus. It grabbed a piece of banana and perched above a pig’s pen. It dropped the banana piece which we are to assume had the virus on it. A pig eats it and is eventually slaughtered at market for food. A chef handles the dead pig, touching the inside of the infected pig’s mouth with his bare hands. He goes out to dining room and poses in a picture with Beth holding hands, transferring the virus to her and starting the chain of events.

But these were movies. If only there had been some real world example in recent history involving a pathogen that crossed from animal to human that we could learn from instead of having to reinvent the wheel! Something that even the current President was familiar with and had twitted about, but no such luck!

Benchmarks for Crisis

1. Have more Americans died from the coronavirus than from the flu? Then what’s the big deal?

2. Are the people who died from the coronavirus Trumpicans? Then what’s the big deal?

3. Are gas prices lower now? Isn’t that a good thing?

4. Are the people losing money in the stock market people who voted for me? That’s a big deal!

Ultimately in a time of crisis, it helps to have a voice of authority who can speak the truth to us in a way that can comfort us and provide hope. If only there had been some real world example in recent history of a person rising to the occasion to calm the country at a time when it was terrorized.

Rudy Giuliani said he would be the hero again during the Ukrainian impeachment hoax. Perhaps now that his country is in danger he could abandon the nonsense that has made him a joke and return to the real world. He could offer to show Little Donee Waney the crisis management skills that he had used in 9/11 that calmed the nation and enabled us to go on.

But even if Giuliani did try we know what would happen. The President of the United States would tell him to stick to the Ukraine and leave the current crisis to the real leader. After all, by the time all this fuss is over he will win the Nobel Peace prize for saving the world just as he already had for denuclearizing North Korea. Life is so much easier and more fun when your world is one of childish play and you are an immature child who lacks the mental necessities and cognitive skills to understand the adult world.