In an unexpected development, Republicans today unequivocally declared that the Mueller report conclusively proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Vladimir Putin deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor for service above and beyond the call of duty on behalf of the United States of America. The Mueller report documents Putin’s sustained, systematic, and comprehensive violation of the United States of America presidential election on behalf of the Republican candidate. His relentless attack on Crooked Hillary helped to save America from a fate worse than death. All true Americans owe Putin a debt of thanks for his efforts. We the People are grateful to Robert Mueller for showing to the American People what Putin did on behalf of this country. It is altogether fitting that in return we award him with highest medal we are capable of bestowing on a true hero of this country.
PERSON #1 CALLS FOR REPUDIATION OF THE 22nd AMENDMENT
As everyone knows, FDR was elected 4 times to the office of President and served 16 years. Now Person #1 has had the greatest first two years of a presidency in the history of the United States. Why then should he be denied the opportunity to serve for 16 years as well? It’s not as if the proposed amendment would enable someone to be president for life like his autocratic cronies. After all Person #1 might is still likely to be alive at age 84 despite being clinically obese. The extra time will provide Person #1 with the opportunity to groom Madam President for her position as his successor. She will then be the first female president and together they will be the first father-daughter presidents…and Person #1 won’t even have to leave the White House. Plus he can count on being pardoned if the statute of limitations has not expired and he is convicted of everything. Reversing the 22nd amendment is all part of God’s plan to save America.
PERSON #1 TO DISCLOSE HIS TAXES NOW THAT THE IRS AUDIT IS COMPLETE
At long last the IRS audit of the income taxes of Person #1 has been completed. As a result, he is now free to disclose his taxes to the American public just as he was in favor of all along in the first place. Since he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight and not lose any of his supporters, he has no concerns about releasing his tax returns.
So what If they show he is not as wealthy as he claimed to be?
So what if they show he has not earned as much as he claimed to have earned?
So what if they show he has used every trick in the book and some that aren’t to minimize his taxes?
So what if they show his income comes from laundering funds from the Russian mob through banks on the sanctions list?
So what if New York State will now begin an audit of his taxes? Do you think he paid property taxes on the alleged value of his properties in New York State as claimed to insurance companies and banks? Think of how much he owes Cuomo!
His worshipers don’t care about process crimes. So what if he doesn’t pay his taxes and his income is criminally earned? It’s all part of God’s plan.
PERSON #1 TO REVEAL HIS SAT SCORES AND GRADES
Person #1 is the smartest person in the room when in a morgue. He is a very stable genius. Remember how he figured that the solution to the forest fires in California was to MAKE AMERICA RAKE AGAIN. All those experts with all their degrees and experience could not figure out what he could. Only he can solve our problems. He is finally tired of people making fun of him for being a stupid ignorant moron. How many Americans know the difference between the Balkans and the Baltics anyway? Canada, England, what’s the difference. The White House was burned. It’s hard enough keeping track of where his father was born so how can be expected to know that 306 electoral votes is not a landslide? The time has come once and for all to prove that he is not the bozo SNL portrays him as being and so many foreign leaders, elected officials, former cabinet and administrative officials, and real estate developers in New York know first-hand from their working with him. Person #1 will now razzle dazzle us with his SAT scores and his grades. He will show us that Daddy Dear did not have to buy his child’s way into Wharton like those La La land Democrat parents did so their loser children could get into college. In fact, Person #1 will even deliver a 30-minute speech on a single topic without saying “Lock her up,” “Build a Wall,” or “Who is going to pay for it.” He will deliver a coherent 30-minute talk thereby proving he is at least as well-spoken, intelligent, and thoughtful as a porn star or a Playmate and is not some 7th grade smart-aleck dumb aleck. And he will do that on Fox as soon as his network stops giving time of old socialists. He will do this soon, very soon, you’ll see.
PERSON #1 TO SUE ALL THE WOMEN WHO CLAIM HE HARASSED THEM
During the 2016 campaign, Person #1 promised to sue each and every single woman who had falsely accused him of improper behavior. As we all know, he is a stickler for keeping his campaign promises. Since he has not sued anyone so far it must either be because none of the accusations are false so there is no one to sue or else he has been too busy with the Russher thing to have the time. Now that he has been completely exonerated, he has so much free time he is even bored watching TV all day or playing golf. Person #1 finally has the time and lawyers with nothing else to do so he sue all these women.
PERSON #1 EAGER TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS, TELLS NADLER TO BRING IT ON
With this President, everyday is April 1. It’s his Groundhog Day.